Women and Manners

Women make both the manners and the morals of a people. Neither rises higher than the gauge which women set in a community.... Where a woman has bad manners, it always has in it an element of vulgarity which is more painful than it could be in a man. The result will be a society hopelessly vulgarized...with no end but to sink in an ever deeper abyss of vulgarity."

~ Thomas Nelson Page

I totally agree with this statement. The one thing that hurts, angers and disappoints me is to see a woman with bad manners. My biggest pet peeve is a woman who cusses like sailor. I don't think it's cute, endearing or witty. I tell the girls I work with that you cuss when you run out of intelligent things to say. You have no more argument left, so you resort to cussing.

Any man reading this post is about to get whiplash from shaking their head so vigorously in agreement with what I'm saying. There is very little as assaulting on a man's ears as the sound of his woman using the same language, tone and mannerisms as his boys.

I have discussed this with any and every man that I talk to for more than about 10 minutes. Inevitably we get to the "what are you looking for in a mate?" conversation. I use this opportunity to take an informal poll and ladies I have to tell you that it's at 99.5%. I think there was a guy once who said he didn't mind, but changed his mind about 5 minutes later (after I gave him a brief demonstration...LOL).

This is one of the first internal struggles that I quickly overcame. All it took was a couple of experiments with different men to convince me. For much of my 20s I was the queen of "if I thought it, I said it." I was the Christian, black female equivalent of Howard Stern. I went for shock value. And boy did I get it. But I also rarely received another date or return phone call. It only took a few times of this to think that maybe it was time to try something different.

When I decided to make this change, I adopted the following mantra:

A wise women thinks twice and speaks once--if at all. ~Maya Angelou

The first thing I did was lighten my voice. I made it a bit softer, lighter and tried to make it sexy (LOL). I admit, I thought it would drop my IQ 10 points, but it didn't. I still said much of what I wanted to say, but it seemed to be received differently simply because of the tone of my voice. This works with my S.O. right now...shhh don't tell him I told you that.

Secondly, I learned the art of asking questions. We as black women are famous for "I'm gonna need for you to..." or if we ask a question, it's "How about you...?" (insert neck rolling here). So I decided to ask his thoughts on things or if he had ever thought about something a certain way. 9 times out of 10, he pauses and then says, "No, I haven't thought about that. You are probably right." BAM!

Ladies, let's face it, we set the atmosphere and tone in our relationship and in our home. Remember the cliche, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?" Bet you're wondering what that has to do with bad manners. If you're happy with yourself, you carry yourself like a lady...at least attempting to exude the same positive feelings you have inside. When you're unhappy, you don't care how you look, act or sound.

One thing that is interesting about feminism is how it lacks community responsibility and promotes self-gratification. I believe feminists have little concern as to how their actions influence those around them. They are only concerned about them being able to do what they want to do, no matter the cost. A real woman knows that she not only represents herself, but her family, friends, community, etc. Yes, ultimately each person is responsible for his/her behavior; but as women we are often the ones who set the moral and emotional compass for those around us. Most women don't understand what a position of power that is. That moral compass results in laws, legislation, programs and services that align with the moral compass.

But when we as women, especially women of color, have bad manners, the moral compass is off. I believe that we are the only ones that redirect not only ourselves, but our families, friends and community. And that's where real strength lies.

Lesson Learned: Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

Challenge for the Week: At least try to lighten your tone this week with your S.O., kids, co-workers, etc.

Madden Doesn' Have to Be Maddening

My S.O. and I spent a wonderful Labor Day weekend together. We both marveled at the fact that despite being with each other for 3.5 days, we didn't argue. We enjoyed a laid back, fun-filled weekend.

He indulged my quirks and things I liked to do (even though I think he enjoyed them too). We went to my favorite restaurants, drank coffee and read books at Barnes and Noble, and of course did some shopping.

Sunday evening we're lounging around and he decided he wanted to play X-box. Well we had such a good day, I thought, "Why ruin it by secluding yourself in a room and playing a dumb game?" I felt myself withdrawing and getting a 'tude. But the next thing I know I said, "I wanna learn." I'm thinking, "What?!!?!? Who said that?" Minutes later, I'm sitting there, joystick in hand, trying to read the instructions at the same time. LOL....yeah I know!

Needless to say I sucked. The score was 38-0. It got to the point that I was just pressing ALL (and I do mean ALL) the buttons--at the same time!!!!!! LMBO

And surprise, surprise it wasn't that bad. My competitive nature kicked in and I actually made some decent plays. But what was more interesting was my man's reaction. He was really impressed that I even wanted to play. He's brought it up several times since then--giving me my "props."

That 1 hour of video games was one of the best moves I could have ever made. Could I have done something else during that time? Sure. Could I have copped a 'tude, which could have led to an argument? Sure. Could I have put a damper on the day by making an issue out of his video game playing? Definitely.

But my goal was to spend time with him. And it really didn't matter what we were doing per se. We talked, played, kissed and had a good time while doing what he loved. So my man got the best of both worlds, I got time with my man, and we connected on yet one more thing.

Now I'm not saying to indulge your man if he's a video game zombie and plays games 2, 3, 4, 6+ hours a day; shirking his responsibilities and such. No, that's something you have to speak on. But if your man does it occasionally and it doesn't interfere with his responsibilities at home or in the relationship, why trip? In my frame of reference, this is a mole hill that many women make into a mountain.

Have you ever thought that your man's hobby is his way of de-stressing or relaxing? His way of processing information or relieving stress before he deals with the added responsibilities of home and you? When you don't allow your man this opportunity, where can he direct his frustration, stress or even anger?

We want our man to be interested and fully supportive of our hobbies, but we often do not give them the same courtesy in return. We banish them to the basement or garage to indulge in "their little hobby or interests." I'm not saying to turn your home into a frat house, but just be considerate of what it is they like to do and what they are interested in.

My grandmother says, "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar." Just call me the Queen Bee (and NOT Li'l Kim either).

Should I turn in my feminist card by giving into the hobbies and wants of a man? Perhaps. But it made him smile, kept the peace and required little effort on my part.

Lesson learned: Madden doesn't have to be maddening.

Challenge for the week: Try to indulge in your S.O.'s hobby or interest for a day, or even an hour. You might be surprised at his, and even your, reaction.